October 21, 2010

I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.

My BA is in English Literature so it should come as no surprise to any of you that I tend to think of periods of my life in terms of passages from my favorite poems, novels and short stories. I also tend to relate things to verses in songs, which should come as no surprise as songs are really little more than poems set to music. And lately, I feel like those two lines from Frost's poem Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening are all about my life. I am exhausted! I can't sleep! It's driving me crazy! Between the ridiculousness of getting up to use the restroom 3-4 times a night and the crazy dreams I feel like those eight hours are spent in a zombie like haze; I'm stuck somewhere between sleep and wakefulness. Last night I dreamed about a government conspiracy involving cheetos and ants. Huh? I'm not really all that into cheetos and can't for the life of me remember the last time I ate one. I kept waking up so frustrated with this government conspiracy that the frustration stuck with me. It was like a dream where you are mad at someone and then upon waking find that you do indeed feel mad. So on top of feeling frustrated from the dream I was frustrated because I couldn't sleep. Anyone else notice a vicious cycle?

Added to the fact that I feel like this pregnancy is dragging on and on, I just feel... floaty.  I'm not even half way there. Still two weeks until that happy day. And I still feel like it is too early to start on the nursery or even do any shopping for Poppy. I'm in this netherworld of no sleep, worry and the still nagging nausea, and other than the occasional doctor visits those are the only indications that a baby is on the way. And maybe that is part of the problem; I'm like my Dad a planner and a doer and here I am unable to really plan or do anything yet. I don't like to be stuck in the wishy-washy "Well let's think about it" theoretical stage. I HATE browsing at places like Babies'R'Us. WHAT, is the point when you know you aren't going to put that foot forward and purchase something? I just don't get it.

So maybe that is what I need: that first foot forward in the first step of the first mile. Maybe then I'll sleep. Until then, bring on the government conspiracies, cheetos, doritos and assorted insects. As my mother (and any other mother who gets within five feet of me) will say, "It'll all be worth it in the end!"