May 6, 2011

It's Alright

Dear Evie,

Even though this has been the longest and hardest almost seven weeks of my life,

Even though there are still days when you scream for what seems like hours on end (and indeed there are days when you do scream for hours on end), and I can feel the doubt, guilt and anxiety creeping back in,

Even though there are times when I have been puked on, peed on and pooped on within an hour's time,

Even though our house is not as clean as I would like because I spend the majority of my day trouble shooting a fussy baby,

Even though my hands are dry and cracking from all of the washing of bottles and YOU,

Even though you create more dirty laundry than I ever thought possible,

Even though you sometimes cry an entire thirty minute car ride,

Even though my back is breaking from the hefting, bending and carrying,

Even though my world has been turned upside down and sideways by your mere presence,

It's alright, little bit, because there are moments in between all of the chaos and confusion you have created when you look at me. And in those moments I see in your eyes that you KNOW that I'm your mom. You recognize not just my face but that I'm YOUR mom and those looks reassure me that we'll get it together, that the pieces will fall into place eventually. In those fleeting spaces in time, even if I question it later, I know deep in my heart, that is all worth it.

Since the moment you arrived on this planet, our time together has been nothing like I thought it would be. You've been nothing but trouble from the start. :) It's alright though, because I wouldn't trade one second of what is and what has been for a different experience with you.

You have my heart now, tangled in tiny baby fingers and you are my soul.

And it's alright little bug.

Love,

Your Mommy