September 1, 2011

Unprepared

No one told me what it would be like to have a child.

I got plenty of the typical advice and I took some of it to heart and the rest of it, just pretty much made my 9 months preggo self want to punch someone in the face, so I ignored it.

The truth is there is no way to be completely prepared for what your life with a baby will be like. It doesn't matter if you are a first, second, third, fourth or fifth time mom (or however many -iths it takes until you just reach Michelle Duggar) your entire family dynamic is about to change. There is no way to prepare for that shift entirely, because you don't know what that baby will be like and you don't know what your family will look like with that new little personality in it.

All of that is pretty pratical and understandable, at least. You can't prepare for it, but you CAN understand that it is going to happen.

What I was so unprepared for was the way I love my child. Even in the middle of post-partum depression when things hadn't really clicked yet on the maternal instinct, I was ready to go the mat for this red-faced screaming, pooping and rarely sleeping tiny human.



After that though, when things finally clicked, I was stunned by the love, the swelling of the heart, the hot tears that stream down my face some nights when I watch my child sleep in my arms.

I get butterflies in my stomach thinking about Evie's smile, the way she looks like a guppie when she tries to eat my nose, how she's already mastered the art of batting her eyelashes at her Daddy.

No one told me I'd get butterflies. I thought those were reserved for cute boys named Christopher.

There are no words to prepare you for that.

You can drown in this kind of love.