December 12, 2011

Mommy Meltdown

Despite the fact that I said I wouldn't do it I had a major meltdown Sunday night. I was crying big giant crocodile tears that I couldn't get to stop. Not the ugly cry kind, the ones that just roll and roll, and you can't find a way to stop them. I argued with my husband and cried some more. I snapped at my dog when she was just tying to comfort me (Peyton always knows when I am upset) and then I cried some more. I yelled at my husband and I cried some more.

This is why I partially dread Christmastime. There is so much pressure to do so much stuff. Go see Santa. Have dinner. Do this. Rush here. Do that. Wrap this. Be merry. But every year, it never fails I always feel grumpy and annoyed and about the farthest from merry that you can be. I get very frustrated with myself for losing sight of the real reason for Christmas -- but I just can't help it. I get wrapped up in trying to make everyone else happy and I end up cranky enough to out-crank The Grinch.

My husband was kind enough to sit at home and play video games while Evie napped, watch Evie on Saturday morning and early afternoon so I could spend two hours on Saturday getting my toes and nails done. It was blissful. I then headed to Target to a tiny bit of shopping. I came home feeling good about getting a little mommy alone time in. For some reason that feeling just didn't last.

I said in my previous post that one of the things I really wanted to do was to go to Zoo Lights with our friends. Well Saturday we went and it was a complete BUST.

We went to Ghengis Grill for dinner and made sure to get there early (at five). It took no joke, two hours. So by the time we got out it was 7;15, then we had to get gas, then we got stuck in traffic, then when we finally got to the zoo and got our group sorted out, we had exactly enough time to practically sprint to the back of the park for hot chocolate, drink the damn stuff and then sprint back to the gates. It was so... pointless. I always always enjoy the company of these people  -- but I just felt like we should have stayed in and driven around to see lights. I could barely enjoy spending time with them -- we were so busy rushing. I don't know if we will all have time to get together before Christmas and that makes me sad because I didn't really get to snuggle Leo or Gus either. I wanted to have time to look at the lights and wander around and enjoy the night and it was just, not that. It was a mad dash. I got to take two pictures of the boys (neither of which are any good) and one of Evie. And she looks exhausted. I stopped and took pictures of some of the light displays but I had no time to set up a shot or anything then I had to sprint back to the group. The best part of the night was wandering around the gift shop and finding Evie an ornament for the tree.

Last night we went over to Chris' parents house for supper. Chris has ALWAYS put the topper on their tree. He still continues the tradition and when we got married and they got a second tree and I put the topper on theirs. It is a really nice tradition and every year we have a nice little dinner and sit around and talk. We had a wonderful time last night. Evie adores her Grammie and Grampie, they gave us a beautiful "Baby's First Christmas" ornament and we just throughly enjoyed ourselves.

Then for some reason when we got back last night I completely lost it. I started crying about how I wanted Evie's first Christmas to be perfect, how we aren't going to have any family time, how I feel so bogged down in obligations that we forget about the obligation we have to our own family and I just want Christmas to be over. I lost it all over the fact that we have been so busy running around we haven't gotten to top our own tree or put up a few ornaments because Evie has to be awake to do it and I want the lights to be shiny so it needs to be done at night. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I just couldn't deal with the frustration any more.

I know I sound like a big whiner but I just want for once, for something to go perfectly, to be the way I want it to be instead of stressful, frustrating and disappointing.

I guess I'll have to find a way to get over it, because I don't want to ruin this little one's first Christmas.

{I really hope I get in the Christmas Spirit soon. Anyone else feeling Bah Humbuggy this year?}