December 6, 2011

Our Lives Are Made

I rock Evie every single night we are together. Most of the time I only get to rock her while she's eating. If she is awake after that bottle (which she is most nights) then she pretty much wants to play and explore. We have to put her in her crib so she will go to sleep. It seems like being held by mommy and rocked is the last thing on her to-do list and she lets me know it. So, when I get the chance and she is in a snuggly mood and lets me rock her to sleep I am all over it. One night, while Chris was gone last week, after playing in the bath for about 15 minutes, getting all cozy in her jammies and eating her bedtime bottle, Evie smooth passed out on me while I was rocking.

She turned her little cozy body into mine, laid her cheek and hand on my chest, snuggled in close, sighed and slept. It was a moment I never wanted to end. I am not sure how long we sat like that and rocked. It was awhile before my arm went numb and I could feel the back of her head getting sweaty from where it was resting on my arm. The whole time I sat and stared at the tiny miracle that is my daughter. From her button nose to the intricate folds of ears, to the perfect color of her cheeks I sat in admiration of her. Times like this remind me why I rock her each and every night still, ignoring most of the advice from the parenting tract we follow; these times are limited and I want to soak them all up; I want to breathe them all in. Tatoo them on my brain in indelible ink to have with me always.

I don't know if this overwhelming urge to be close to your child ever disappears. Is it as hard for my mom to hug me and send me back home knowing it could be two weeks before she sees me again. Does she want to pull me into her arms and rock me as she did when I was baby? If that is the case, I am stocking up on these moments now and hoarding them away for later days. I'm 28 and I can't remember the last time my mom rocked me to sleep. Does it get easier to be away from your baby as they get older? I just don't know, so I am taking the time now to make the most of Evie's babyhood. She (and yes her Daddy too) makes up the best of my life right now, the most time consuming, gross, slobbery best of my life.

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
Still remain

*Song lyrics by Rob Thomas*