January 30, 2012

One Day, and the Other

I never cried the first day that I dropped Evie off at daycare. I had some overwhelming moments of anxiety, but mostly I was glad to be going back to work. It was a place where I knew my job, I did well and I didn't have to question what the heck I was doing. It honestly felt a little relieving. I hated leaving Evie in someone else's care, but I had the luxury of completely trusting her daycare so that was a big burden off my back.

Last Friday when I picked Evie up, I took her from Ms. Bertha and Evie reached back for her and started crying. Then she did it again. You want to talk about breaking a momma's heart. Crack. Crack. SHATTER. It took a bunch of really deep breaths to not break down crying, call my boss and simply say, I quit.

Nobody tells you how much it will hurt to be a working momma. It stings every day to kiss Evie's duck down hair and tell her, "I love you, baby girl. I'll see you tonight." then turn and go. Sometimes though, it downright hurts. Those days when she prefers Ms. Bertha over me and the mornings when I stand in my garage holding her, weeping, literally willing myself to put her in the car seat and go. The longer the distance between us gets as I drive the harder it gets, the deeper the barbs in my heart grow, until they finally retract when I feel her chubby arms wrap around my neck at the end of the day. Except last Friday when she didn't want me. I had to laugh so I wouldn't cry.

I spent all weekend making sure to spend as much time with her as possible. We snuggled, we played, we read books, she helped me make dinner and Sunday afternoon we sat on the couch and laughed like loons at each other. She kept trying to eat my nose and I kept stealing kisses. Apparently this was hilarious and so she laughed at me while I laughed at her. I kept tyrying to get a picture but every time she saw my phone, she would stop and stare in apparent amazement.

Then came the "other" day. I didn't cry the first time I dropped her off at day care, but I did today. I cried the ugly cry halfway to work, until I had to stop and send my boss a text telling him I would be late for work because of "traffic". He probably knows the real reason since I rushed in and past him to try to repair the damage to my face. A few hours later I asked him if I could take tomorrow off. It's my birthday. My husband had no choice but to be out of town for business, so since he can't be with us, there is no other person in the whole world I would rather spend my birthday with. I think we will get up and go to the park, come home for nap and then go get some birthday ice cream. Evie discovered this weekend that she loves ice cream. Maybe, we will go get some dinner, just the two of us. What better a birthday gift to myself than an entire day spent with my beautiful baby girl? I can't think of one.