April 27, 2012

My Song for Evie/ I Won't Give Up

When I originally wrote here about being diagnosed with and surviving post-partum depression and anxiety I chose not to share my story. Since that day I have shared bits and pieces of what my life was like during that time. It's hard for me to write about it; it's hard for me to share because that time of my life was the darkest it's ever been. It was awful and even being recovered and off meds it's hard to relate that experience to others because I can still barely relate to what happened in those months myself. However as I approach the one year anniversary of my diagnosis, it is time I share these stories because they are not anything to be ashamed of; they are a part of who we are and who we are is beautiful.

This is a result of over fifteen posts that I started, stopped, edited to pieces and eventually abandoned. I've managed to make what I think is a fairly accurate account of those months and broken it down. It's a difficult story to tell not just because PPD/A is a stealer of happiness but because it's many faceted, convoluted and confusing. Most of these posts will relate to music. Music has always been where I have found solace and a way to express joy that seems inexpressible. Please stick with me

Part One: {HERE}
Part Two: {HERE}
Part Three: {HERE}
Part Four: {HERE}

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For as long as I can remember I have had songs for people. Not just songs that remind me of people but specific songs for specific people. I have a zillion songs that bring my daughter to mind, but when I first heard Jason Mraz's "I Won't Give Up" I knew this would be "Our Song". I think Evie likes it too; she tends to gaze quietly at me when I sing it to her.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?


I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up



And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find


'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up


I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake



And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am.



I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.


I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough enough
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it


I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up.


{Sarah & Evie, mother & daughter, One Year PPD/A Survivors}

I couldn't have done this without you Evie Bug. I hope you know how much I love you.
Love,
Momma